Spoke to My Heart

 We are still hiding.  Hiding is what we do. We hide from everyone - from strangers, from those we love. We hide from ourselves; we hide from God. We fabricate a facade of goodness or beauty, humor, or intelligence. We spent countless dollars, and incalculable hours sprucing up these false fig-leaf identities.....We are none of us consistently authentic.
His great heart was filled with love, and this love empowered him to place himself between danger and those he cherished. Even though his friends weren't worthy  of his protection, of his sacrifice for them, he was determined.  "Take me. Punish me. Let them go." That's been his theme throughout eternity "Take me. Punish me. Let them go." His love for us is our guarantee that we'll make it all the way to heaven.  He interposed his body between the wrath of the religious leaders and his weak disciples; he interposed his precious blood between the righteous wrath of the Father and his sinful bride.  What a husband! What a Savior! He sees your heart today. He knows what you fear and how you continue to try and take matters into your own hands and protect yourself. He sees when you cut off your enemy's ear, as Peter did, lashing out at those who threaten you, seeking to hurt them before they can hurt you.  He sees when you flee naked into the night, hoping to hide yourself from failure, censure, disgrace, judgment.  He sees when you swear that you don't know him, denying him by word or deed, afraid that you'll seem foolish or be persecuted. He knows when you fear the doctor's reports and try to ignore his voice speaking deeply, comfortingly to you. And yet he interposes himself between you and your enemies simply because he is determined not to lose one of those precious ones his Father has given him.
Draw near to him today, won't you? He'll cover you with strong arms and keep your soul safe. Don't hide, don't try to cover up. Just come as you are and thank him for his courage love.

- Elyse Fitzpatrick, Comforts from the Cross: Celebrating the Gospel One Day at a Time (emphasis mine)

Out of the Depths

Words and music by Bob Kauflin - As recorded on Psalms

Out of the depths, O Lord, I cry to You
When I am tempted to despair
Though I might fail to trust Your promises
You never fail to hear my prayer
And if You judged my sin
I’d never stand again
But I see mercy in Your hands
So more than watchmen for the morning
I will wait for You, my God
When my fears come with no warning
In Your Word I’ll put my trust
When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit
I will wait, I will wait for You
The secret mysteries belong to You
We only know what You reveal
And all my questions that are unresolved
Don’t change the wisdom of Your will
In every trial and loss
My hope is in the cross
Where Your compassions never fai

Summertime, summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime

So I started using Sparkpeople.com to track my calorie intake and my calories burned. I have been exercising 3 days a week since school has been out. According to my most recent weigh-in, I have lost 7lbs since getting out of school. It's exciting and I'm actually starting to enjoy my time at the gym. I am really enjoying this site and find it really helpful. I am really proud myself.

Garage Sales and Good Times

I got up early this morning to do some garage sale hunting. And much to my surprise, I found an amazing rug and a rocking chair for my classroom. The chair needs some work, so I was excited to find a electric sander for $5 dollars. Then I went to the farmer's market with a friend and bought some peaches and some blueberries. Then I came home and napped and then went to meet a friend at the mall for dinner as she was leaving with her babies only to see some other friends from church come in and I ended up sitting with them and eating and visiting. It was  great day! :)

The Ripening begins...

Summer. Freedom. Stress-free. Relaxing. Slowing down.

Today was the official first day of summer vacation. I jumpstarted my new exercise and eating plan using Sparkpeople.com to record my calorie intake and exercise. I had the joy of just sitting next to the pool with my book and embracing the slower pace in life. I also started my art journal last night. I have teacher trainings for the rest of the week, but it's not teaching children so I'll survive. I was proud to see that my first tomato is starting to ripen today.  

Beautiful. Brave. These are two words that come to mind when I think of my dear friend, Karisse. Surviving 4 battles with cancer, the death of her mother and the remarriage of her father are just a few of the reasons that I think she’s brave. I am currently riding the train home from Charlotte where I was able to visit with her for a short weekend that included Shakespeare in the Park, pedicures and plenty of shopping at Ross. I’m blessed to have person in my life who can be the type of person that you rarely see yet it never feels unusual when you are together. I always leave her presence inspired to do the things I am passionate about. Which sometimes leaves me wondering…what am I passionate about? Karisse is passionate about making a difference in the world especially in regards to human trafficking. She wants to see it end in her lifetime. I guess I am passionate about things that just aren’t so world-changing or aren’t they? I recently have been reading anything about classroom management and being a better teacher that I can get my hands on and I read this quote that in summary said, Teach a child, close a prison door. I guess I am passionate about teaching and loving children and helping them see they can achieve whatever they set their mind on. Is my passion something trivial? Sometimes I feel as if they are. Karisse, my friend, are beautifully and uniquely yourself and value your friendship. Be brave in Portland.

Darkness

I have really been battling with depression again these last few weeks and I don’t know how much of it is related to the end of the year exhaustion or turning 30 and being single or unknown reasons. But the thing about depression that I hate is that you desperately want to feel better and want to fight off the lies yet it requires effort and work and these are not things that you desire to do when you don’t care about much. So the depression cycles and the darkness looms and you long just to burrow away and have no contact with others because you can’t seem to do it well and you inadvertently sound harsh and cranky. So rather than cry out for help…you burrow deeper. The darkness clouds your view and you begin to live contently discontent with the lies that swirl about in your head. You feel bad about yourself, but you continue to perpetuate the behavior that makes you feel bad about yourself. Then you’re caught in the chains of self-loathing when you desperately know that the LIGHT is within your grasp if you will just open your eyes and make yourself gaze in the LIGHT and the TRUTH. You make small steps towards escaping the pit only to slide back into the dark hole. You feel worse for failing yet again to pull yourself up by your boot-straps and get it together. You feel like a failure as a friend, and a hypocrite who asks for help yet resists the steps necessary to break free. Why do I torment myself so? The vicious cycle continues and you spiral deeper and the LIGHT seems farther from your reach. Yet the LIGHT continues to conquer the darkness and you feel as if maybe just maybe there is hope for you once again to bask in the LIGHT free from the chains that you have wrapped around yourself. The LIGHT sends messengers of LIGHT to poke through your darkness to reveal the freedom that can be. Dear friends, you may not even be aware that you have done this thing.

I recently have been reading the Gospel Primer for Christians: Learning to See the Glories of God’s Love. In reading this daily, there are things that I believe I have known but not grasped in a way that makes my heart move on an emotional level. Now if you really know me you know I don’t typically tear up at movies or books. But as I was reading this passage, tears streamed down my face at the very thought of God’s heart towards me. Allow it to sink in. The reality of this is heart-melting allowing me to feel things I haven’t felt for a while. A glimmer of LIGHT.

“God now has only love, compassion, and deep affection for me, and this love is without any mixture of wrath whatsoever. God always looks upon me and treats me with gracious favor, always working all things for my ultimate and eternal good. God’s grace abounds to me even through trials. Because I am a justified one, He subjugates every trial and forces it to do good unto me. When I sin, God’s grace abounds to me all the more as He graciously maintains my justified status as described above.

When I sin, God feels no wrath in His heart against me.

His heart is filled with nothing but love for me, and He longs for me to repent and confess my sins to Him, so that He might show me the gracious and forgiving love that has been in His heart all along. God does not require my confession before He desires to forgive me.

In His heart, He already has forgiven me; and when I come to Him to confess my sins to Him, He runs to me (as it were) and is repeatedly embracing and kissing me even before I get the words of my confession out of my mouth. God does see my sin and He is grieved by my sins. His grief comes partly from the fact that in my moments of sin, I am not receiving the fullness of his love for me…I don’t deserve any of this , even on my best day; but this is my salvation, and herein I stand. Thank you, Jesus.”

The 30th Birthday that I dreamt of...

So I just celebrated my 30th birthday and I wanted it done with class and style. So I decided on a fondue party that was Black and White themed. I was blessed by all in attendance and those who especially helped contribute to my party from making fondue to baking my amazing birthday cake. I love that I have a great community and "family" here in NC. It makes the celebrating milestones without family bearable. I love you all.  Enjoy these fabulous pictures taken by my friend, Kaitlin Roten of 2point5d photography. You can check out her work at http://www.2point5d.com/

Here's a few of my favorite pictures:

If you turn 30 and you're still single you deserve a tiered cake.

 It was a Paula Deen Raspberry Limeade Cake...can you say butter anyone?

My friend, Jenny made it and decorated it for me and it was FABULOUS.

This is the party hat that one of my good friend's twin girls felt that I just had to have!!

These are my small group people from church! Love my peeps!

Make a wish!

My sweet friend, Kristi. She and her twin girls, Kassie and Karrie did all the decorating for my party

allowing me the privilege of walking in and relaxing most of the afternoon!

Here's to 30!!

Attack of Teacher Brain

This week I found out that I get to have my request of teaching a regular education 4th grade class next year. One of the things I love most about being a teacher is the buzz and excitement for a new schoolyear. The clean slate where you always get to restart and repair previous errors. It's a beautiful thing. I really do enjoy the anticipation of what could be. However sometimes the weeks prior to the school year are full of sleepless nights where my brain never shuts off. For some odd reason, my brain has decided that it would like to do that know with all the possibilities for next year when I haven't even finished this one. I guess I could consider it a blessing. It has me charged up and ready to do some summer nerdy teacher reading and summer lesson planning. Weird. I've never had the desire to do much of that stuff before. Might this be God's way of confirming that I'm making the right decision to step away from Special Ed for a while and take a refreshing breather and a new challenge. I will feel sad leaving my teammates and roommates behind in the world of Special Ed Resource, but here's to the adventure...hopefully there will be some sleep involved in the next 3 monnths.

Oh my soul, oh my stubborn soul

Psalm 62
by Shane Barnard

He's the only one strong enough to lean my heaviness against.
The weight of all my sin falling on a rock.
Leaning on a fortress.
Oh the wall of God.
He won't move.

On God I rest my salvation.
My fortress shall not be shaken.
My mighty rock and my glorious.
I lay my head upon His chest.

Oh I am calling out.
Oh my soul, oh my stubborn soul.
Won't you wait on Him.
Wait in the guilt. Even in your fear.
Oh your God is here to lean on.
He won't move.

He has spoken. Hear his voice:
"I have come for the broken."
So all ye weary come and rest.

On God I rest my salvation.
My fortress shall not be shaken.
My mighty rock and my glorious.
I lay my head upon His chest.


This morning in the shower while getting ready for church, Jesus began to speak to my heart and it only continued throughout the morning. UNREPENTANT was the word I heard that began to break my heart of the selfish pride that drives me to be continually self-reliant rather than God dependent. Why to do I so frequently forget that I am hopelessly more sinful than I imagine? I am so stubborn. (I know this may come as no surprise to some of you!) Jesus continued to peel the layers of my sin up as the day continues. In LifeChange class, I was encouraged by the HOPE we have in Christ with is essentially that God cannot lie and for this I am grateful. The teacher then proceeded to ask this question: When was the last time you suffered hopefully?
This only made my head spin as I look towards tomorrow and my Daddy's tests for prostate cancer. Will I choose to press in to the Truth and the Hope that is sure or will continue in self-reliance? I then proceeded to worship where we say Blessed Be Your Name and the lyrics...He gives and takes away, broke the dam of emotion that has been hiding under the surface. Tears unexpected but welcome. Will I trust God even if He chooses to allow cancer to be present and if I face the reality of someday losing my earthly father who has been an amazing reflection of my Heavenly Father? These are questions that continue to swirl around in my mind and my heart. I don't know the answers, but I choose to know that God is the only one strong enough to lay my heaviness upon. Oh the weight of my sin...falling on a ROCK!

Run Megan Run!!

I went to a custom fit shoe store where they analyze your stride and where you put pressure as you walk and bought a new pair of running shoes. So I set off today for the YMCA to run my Couch to 5k Week One yet again, only this time I actually finished and didn't have too much pain. It was very exciting. I also came home and prepared a healthy lunch of chicken and stir fry veggies. I only wish it was summer and I could continue this leisurely pace of life. Too bad I have to go back to work tomorrow and the stress and craziness continues. Unreal. I have less than a month to my 30th birthday and I'm no where near my goal. But with my new shoes and a little Spring weather, I feel reenergized to go at it full steam ahead. No more blah, I don't care attitude. I'm going to do this and make it count and see how far I can get in these next few weeks. I'm just proud of myself for getting moving again. After two weeks of sickness and Spring Break, it's time to get running and get that scale moving in the right direction again! Love it!

A New Spring in my Step

Something about Spring's return always brings a new outlook on things. I love how gradually things that were once died finally spring back to life. It's kind of how Jesus changes us and our lives. He takes us through various seasons, so we might experience the newness of Spring all year round. Today, I am very grateful for the cross for I am so incapable for newness and improvement on my own. Last weeks sermon at church really struck a chord with how I have been approaching this weightloss journey on my own. That I have attempted to do it in my own strength and my own "goodness" which is nothing more than filthy rags to God. How I am in awe of the work that was done on the cross for me, for I have come to discover more and more that I am a wicked and evil person and I have a desperate need for a Savior. He is the one who provides me with good gifts like weight-loss and the opportunity to grow through stressful situations at school. He is my source and my portion and my only HOPE and so often I take life with a self-reliant "I got this, God!" mentality. Why do I continually forget that I need Him and that He's ready to open his arms and embrace me with unfailing, unending love. You are so good for bringing new life to the world around me to remind of the new life I need within as well.

Sitting here and it's nearly 2am and I'm listening to the rain fall. I don't know why I'm still awake, this week has been exhausting at best and the one to follow promises to be just the same. Lately food planning hasn't even been on the radar with all the school craziness. UGH! Why is this so difficult? I wish I could shake a magic wand and make my weight-loss dreams a reality. I'm looking at that big 30 to come around the corner and I'm not very close to my goal. It's depressing, yet at moments I feel determined to achieve it this year. Jesus, what can I do? I'm at my wits end with how to change this part of my heart. I need you desperately to soften my heart that I may cling to you instead of this crazy idol called food. I can't do this alone. Come and pick me again!

For three weeks now, the scale has not moved in the right direction. I don't know what I"m doing wrong. However, I do know I haven't been as vigilant as I was in January. So it's back to the daily task of consistently tracking points and keeping myself from cheating here and there that might add up to a lot and I don't realize it. I have some crock-pot meals to try week. I hope that I can do better and get back on the downward slope. Today is the first day in MONTHS that has been warm enough for no coat. I think I'm going to go and explore the Greenway path near my house. But not until I've had some food. I wish life didn't cause so many things that are getting in the way of this. On the upward side, I did prepare a new recipe that I enjoyed this week and ate it for lunch every day! IT was Turkey Sausage Baked Ziti! I also went to the gym twice. I was hoping to start Couch to 5k this week, but after day one of jogging and walking I had the worst shin pain, I've ever experienced. I tried to push through it for day 2, but I just couldn't do it. I went to the gym anyways. Out to catch the hours of sunshine before they disappear.

Frustration and the Slide Back

I have had a stressful last two weeks with work stress and adjusting to having a roommate that has an infant. I have gained nearly 2 pounds back. I have lost my focus slightly and I have derailed many of my weight-loss efforts. I must get back to the basics and plan my meals and follow through on those plans. I have also slacked on my tracking of my food, with the craziness of school and several days have been so crazy that I haven't even eaten lunch. I'm determined to get this scale moving in the right direction again. UGH! This battle stinks and it very hard to maintain when things seem to be crazy all around me. Get FOCUSED Megan! :)

The Uphillness Begins....

I'm starting to feel a little discouraged like I won't make it to my 30lbs by my 30th birthday goal. The losses each keep getting smaller. UGH! I don't know what else to do! I suppose getting to the gym more frequently may help and probably drinking more water. I hate how stress at work and stuff plays into the weight-loss efforts. This past week was stressful and the children were crazy, so needless to say I had trouble getting myself lunch and snacks. It seemed they were constantly interrupting me. I have to get refocused and stay the course. The end of the month is always rough and with the lack of funds and the push to get things done that need to be done. I planned my meals already for the week and I'm looking forward to trying some new things. I'm hoping for a loss bigger than 1.0. Let's see what happens the Momentum Challenge of the week is to get 10 minutes of activity daily this week. I"m going to try! :)

Encouragement at the oddest place

I had a follow-up doctors appointment today since start my allergy medicine. I also hate going to the doctor because their scale weighs heavier than most other scales in my opinion. When I weighed today, the nurse was like WOW! You're lost 7lbs of yourself since the last time you were here. I was shocked. The doctor was very encouraging to saying that I had technically lost more cause I didn't gain any weight from the holidays. Funny statement but I'll take the encouragement. :) I even weighed less than I had at Weight Watchers on Saturday! YAY! SO COOL!

VICTORY is coming!

I have some victory this week. I just got home from weighing in and I lost another 1.4lbs. I am a little disappointed that it wasn't 2lbs, but I won't complain and I'll be excited that for 2 weeks in a row the scale is moving in the right direction. I had a little difficulty staying focused on the goal towards the end of the week when I started to get tired of eating the leftovers that I had made. I guess I need to make 3 things before Wednesday, so that Thursday and Friday don't become stall out days where I make not the best decisions. I only made it to the YMCA one time this week with all my evening workshops and church stuff, so I'll have to work harder on that next week. I have a wedding to go to today and then I'm going out with some girls from work. Should be an interesting evening. I have to get my meal plan together tonight, so I know what I'm shopping for. I'm hoping that my weigh-in this week will be just as good. I'm headed home to meet my new niece next weekend! Yay! I can't wait...but traveling is always a bit of a challenge with sticking to the plan.

The Week Ahead

So this week's meeting topic was about writing your winning outcomes. It made me think about the SMART goals that we have to write at work for our Professional Learning Teams. Similarly Winning Goals are stated in the positive, specific, in my control, annd a good fit for my life. So our leader talked about how first a goal is a mental picture and then we should write it down and then take action towards it. So here it goes. I'm writing it down.
Megan's first WINNING OUTCOME:
By May 3, 2010, I will lose 30lbs by working out at the YMCA 3 times per week, planning my weekly meals, grocery shopping accordingly and I will strive when my schedule allows to only eat out 2 times per week, yet if I am crunched for time and must drive thru I will make the wisest choice possible to support my goal.

Well this week's schedule isn't looking to be too difficult...LOL I said that before I pulled my calendar out.

Monday Evening- Hip Hop Hustle 5:30 at the Factory Y
Tuesday- (Work Out at Wakefield Y)SIOP Training in Knightdale 8am -4pm and Recipe for Reading in Cary from 4 -6pm
Wednesday- IEP meeting at 8:15 - I think I have another meeting scheduled for that afternoon..but I didn't write it down (UGH! Nothing like a slamming week of Sp Ed paperhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifwork)
Thursday - Workout in AM at Wakefield, work, Recipe for Reading in Cary 4-6pm Small Group at 7pm
Friday - 8am Positive Behavior Support Committee Meeting/ Ballroom Dance Club
Saturday- WW weigh in - Wedding at Seminary

This week is a great one to start in with the tough things all in my first week of refocusing.

Saturday Weigh In and Meal Plans

Today was weigh-in. I hadn't been to Weight Watchers since December 5th, so I was expecting a gain with all the eating I did while I celebrated the holidays. But to my glorious surprise I had lost 3.2lbs since I last visited. WAHOO!! So excited to start the week off on a happy note. So I've planned some things to eat this week and I've already prepared two of the things for meals this week. Here are the meal plans:

Baked Ranch Chicken
Honey Glazed Pork Tenderloin
Layered Mexican Chicken
Baked Oatmeal (for breakfast)
Baked Potatoes (for lunches)

I also have a goal of going to the YMCA three times. Twice in the mornings, and once in the evening. I'm going to check out Hip Hop Hustle as a group class this week and see how it goes. I'm excited about being motivated and held accountable. Thanks for reading this!